Sunday, April 15, 2018

An April Sunday Morning

It's Sunday morning. I am divorced from my wife of 13 years, I am listening to Alexa which is playing Jazz, the coffee is brewing. Rowan is upstairs in her little sleeping nook by her window, Payton is sleeping in her room. The house is quite.  I have choice on how to proceed with the day. I am the Father who can set the tone for the day. What I do will signal to the girls what is expected of them.
Today I will Be positive, present, and nurturing. I will take on three task that I have been meaning to accomplish. The Table, The Shelves, The Cage.

I will also have the girls pick out items at CVS to make a card for their Grandma Dee Dee.

These are basic task that I desire to accomplish today. Keep it simple.

I mind feels sluggish and its difficult for me not to dwell on the tasks, concerns, and unsettled feeling I hold and which prevents me from expressing myself in a fluid manner.

Finances, Work, Parenting, and Me are swirling around my head.

I think to the sticker on my computer sating "Action cures Fear". Repeat this to myself ten times and then act. Do that through out the day. Identify what is at the for front of my concerns and then do one action to address that concern.  

Wednesday, July 06, 2016

I'm sitting the chapel of mount Sinai hospital after being ridiculed by katie in front of her PT staff. The reason I believe she made disparaging remarks about me was I cited positive example where Katie has improved in her mobility. I mentioned her taking Payton to church by herself, making dessert using a hot stove and her improvement climbing stairs at night. For this she said that I would not know because I don't pay attention to her. It's madding to be talked about like that in front of friends / family / and strangers. This is a pattern that has been present through out our entire relationship. Now it's just more prevalent and I'm frankly tired of it. I drove her to her appointment, she held my arm walking to the PT room and then tries to emarrassment me in front of people only because I am mentioning positive points to her recovery. I don't deserve this type of treatment.

Tuesday, July 05, 2016

Forth of July Weekend:

What a trying weekend. We made it down to Madison on Saturday and got to see Charlie briefly. (I packed everything/which I'm doing more of). The girls had a ton of fun playing with their cousins and just exploring the Club. Many people came over to talk to Katie and ask how she was, everyone was very pleasant to her. My mom and Aunt Patti briefly came over but to not want to linger. I was racing between what the girls where asking for (food) and playing with them (water / Cold). didn't sit much but it was so good to be down there in a place I love. Family and old Friends are a good thing.

Sunday Rowan and I went to grab coffee, I was unaware of Katie's plan to go to the Luther Church, this upset Rowan when we got back and Katie and Payton had left. Katie said Payton want to pray for Lucy. Not sure if that was true but I was more upset that Katie did not specifically tell me she was taking Payton. Rowan And I had a good time, I saw Ingrid (childhood friend) at Starbucks, had a nice chat. Saturday we mostly hung out with the Boltens, girls made a Lemonade stand and Parents sat around and watched.

Things got very tense when Katie came back form shopping for her desert. Girls and I where doing our own thing (rowan up in her room playing, Payton watching a show, I was finishing Household budget). Katie got very agitated that know one was listening to her even though everything she ask to get do was accomplished. She got angry and threatened Payton that she could not go. I really took saturday as a big day for Katie, she took Payton to church by her self, did shopping by her self and pretty much made the desert by herself (Cutting and using the stove was part of the prep). We of course arrived a half hour late but over all it was a pleasant time having a cook out with the family of Payton's school friend.

July 4th started off well enough and then just went down hill quickly. Rowan and Katie fighting over who should apply her bug spry, Katie yelling out the second floor bathroom floor. Rowan pushing on Katie to the point Katie fell. Payton trying to put on a tea party in the back yard. Rowan just need her space to cool off and Katie would give it to her, then Rowan turned her furry on Katie and Katie took it personally. I had to break up the both of them while keeping Payton engaged with her tea party. It was crazy. Eventually got everyone in the car and headed up to Stafford Springs. Long afternoon, left around 9 pm.

Had some fun driving around the South End of Hartford looking for fireworks going off, the girls loved that.

Overall it was an emotionally taxing weekend where I did my best to keep calm and not contribute to the emotional upheaval.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Again, again I had to leave the house at 11pm because Katie would not respect my decision to not talk to her. She was rambling about different times in our relationship where she took care of me when I had anxiety attacks or was drunk. It was difficult to follow her stream of consciousness. I tried to keep it simple and clearly state "Katie, I am choosing not to talk to you" or "Katie I am going to bed you should also".

She just would not listen to me so I had to clearly tell her that I was going to drive around until she went to sleep. She began to cry, but I had to do it. I was in no mood to talk with her after her display earlier in the evening with the girls. She is ignoring everything our therapists telling us to do. Its incredibly frustrating.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The night after the Session

Katie went right back into talking negatively about me in front of the girls and directly to the girls. What is surprising, not really, is that Andy, our marriage counselor, explicitly told her early today that do so will cause the girl emotional harm. Katie is so mad at me that she just doesn't care what she does in front of Payton and Rowan. This is the third night she has used the refrain "Payton only friend is daddy" and "Payton is going to run to daddy". She is also favoring Rowan to the point that Rowan walked over to me an hit me out of the blue saying I'm mean to mommy. When I tried to punisher, Katie said I couldn't because Payton did listen to her after supposedly spitting on her face. I actually believe Payton when she says she unintentionally spit because she was yelling, which she must not do. Katie can not control both girls, and barely can navigate the two them when she had them playing together. It's bad

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Katie tries to engage me in these huge / emotional questions so after I have been hurt by her verbal attacks on me and my mother in front of the Kids. I try to tell her as clear as possible that I choose not to talk with her regards these subject matters unless we are with out marriage councilor, but she follows me around the house persisting to talk about these highly sensitive topics. All this is played out in front of the girls, which only gets me more emotional and leads me to shut down further. I am at fault too, because eventually I will let my guard down.

The lines of attack Katie uses come from every direction imaginable, if it isn't my passed drinking, its how she has to do everything in the house, driving drunk 7 years ago, to I'm a mommies boy, she did my job and did it better, to i'm an unfit parent. It too much. I'm trying to balance being a good father with navigating through the toxicity that is being thrown at me by Katie. I many insistence I can do both but I'm not perfect. Its emotionally draining and I can't keep it up for too much longer. I'm tired.


Monday, June 27, 2016

The extremes in the family dynamic are too much for the children and me.
This past week was just unexceptionable. Katie's difficulty to commit to go to NH with college friends became all of our problem. The drama and emotion surrounding her run up to leaving was too much. and her return was out of control. I just don't know how to handle it without completely shutting down and not talking to her. When engaged in a discussion of any meaning regarding our house hold, Kids, or me it open the flood gates to every event that has transpired in our 13 years of marriage. There is not a topic or an event that will be brought up in a way meant to hurt me or to shame me. It is not any way to live a life.